This is an update to my previous blog ‘National Security My Arse‘ where I described how my broadband upload speed is being hijacked by a government agency who is cloning my computer in order that they can see everything that I am doing, as I am doing it, so they can intercept emails, messages and comments to disrupt the political activity, human rights campaigns and the counter terrorism investigations I am involved with.
The 3 Amigo’s
“If you’re not going to use your free speech to criticize your own government, then what the hell is the point of having it?” ~ Michelle Templet
Recap – For the last several months I have had painfully slow broadband upload speeds at less than 1.0Mb. The speed should be between 6.9Mb – 10.Mb for the area where I live. It’s also the speed which is in the contractual obligation I signed with plusnet when I joined in November 2017. I am therefore receiving speeds which are much less than I should be, so I keep making complaints to plusnet. The complaints also provide me with evidence of computer surveillance that I can use to submit at the Public Inquiry into Special Branch Undercover Policing Operations 1968 -2008 which I will be giving evidence at, if I haven’t been worn down by continual surveillance, harassment and intimidation.
(In some countries it’s actually illegal to harass witnesses, but it appears to be a regular past time for British police forces).
I described in my previous blog that when I phone plusnet when my upload speed is really low at around 1.0Mb, they run a line test and they always detect a fault. They then send out a BT Open Reach engineer the next day to fix it. I described that if I ran broadband speed checks on the morning before the BT Open Reach engineer arrives the upload speed miraculously returns to what is considered average at 5.7Mb one hour before the BT engineer arrives. Once they have arrived, they run a line test and find no faults whatsoever. When they leave, usually one hour after, the upload speed drops again, usually down to around 1.0Mb and a ‘fault appears on the line’. This is how the problem has persisted for the few months I have been making complaints until today, when the 3 amigo’s turned up.
How to Spot a Bunch of Retarded BT Engineers Who Are Working For The Gestapo
I ran a broadband speed test at 1000am this morning (Monday 26th March 2018) and it was better than normal at 3.5Mb, but still less than half of what it should be and when your uploading videos and pages to websites etc it can take forever which is so god damm annoying. On Friday (23rd March 2018) I had phoned plusnet to report that my upload speed was snail pace slow yet again. They detected an external phone line fault outside of my property and they notified BT Open Reach and told me that the BT engineer did not need to visit the property as the issue was external.
At 10:15am the phone rings and it’s a BT engineer. He wants to visit the property. I suggest that he should give me one hour whilst I finish my yoga routine. He duly arrives at 11:15am and I notice that he looks like a overweight Michael Ball with a scouse accent. I am dying to say something but decide to keep tight lipped. He runs a broadband speed test which took some effort for him to get up and down as the socket was on the skirting board. The upload speed had returned to normal at over 6.5Mb and there was no fault on the line at all. This is what I expected.
In a surprise twist, when he manages to get upright and tuck his t-shirt into the crack of his arse, he starts to tell me that the entire side of the estate where I live is being effected by slow broadband speeds, and the BT engineers think that someone, somewhere in my area has a dodgy fridge which could be effecting all of the broadband speeds. I try not to laugh. I have heard of fridges exploding into flames and causing fires, but seriously, effecting broadband speeds, this was a new one for me. My thoughts wander off into conspiracy theory territory and I imagine that the Russians have planted doctored electronic circuit boards into fridges to disrupt broadband speeds. I know those Russians are bad people, the media keep telling us, there all McMafia. I think maybe the KGB are out for vengeance after Seb Coe got them kicked out of the Olympics. I think about phoning the Russian embassy and giving them what for, but my thoughts are disrupted when Michael Ball gets a phone call. He comes off the phone and tells me in a serious voice, that the ‘Rain Man’ is on his way.
Michael fills me in on ‘Rain Man’….
He tells me that he thinks Rain Man’s real name is Carlos, but apparently, no one really knows, such is his mystique, only that his nickname is derived from the electronic device he uses which should be able to detect which of the fridges (maybe the KGB ones) and other household devices is causing my side of the estate to have slow broadband speeds. We go outside and we wait for him. I start to wonder if Rain Man could have been named after the film and character played by Dustin Hoffman, a genius autistic bloke with a thing for numbers and gambling when my train of thought is again interrupted by Mr Ball who is looking around the estate. He points at a 15 meter pole in a caravan park 150 meters away and says “do you know what, it could be that pole that’s disrupting your broadband”. He keeps looking around and points to what looks like a fence and says “it could be that” My first thought was how much LSD do these BT engineers have for breakfast. He keeps looking around, quite wildly, and at one point it looked like he was going to burst into song, but he pointed upwards to a seagull that was flying overhead. I thought surely not, a seagull, a god damm seagull cannot be effecting my broadband speeds. I’m flabbergasted; who is this guy, what is he on, and does he need help.
Moments later he gets a phone call off a different engineer which distracts his gaze away from the seagull, who informs him that he is just down the road and he is now coming along too. He arrives as Michael is eyeing up the seagull that is now perched on a lamp post. (I try not to think about what he is thinking about, for the sake of my sanity). Amigo 2 arrives wearing mirrored aviators looking all Tom Cruise without the good looks, even though its quite cloudy. I think for a second, if he’s playing the Tom Cruise character, I cant wait to see Rain Man. They start chatting about the pole in the caravan park, Tom Cruise agree’s, it could be the pole. I start to think to myself, am I getting punked, am I on a hidden camera show. I start to look around waiting for Jermey Beedle to jump out of a bush, but it dawns on me that he died years ago. I begin to think, surely, this shit cant be real. I look down the road and another BT van is rocking up the street. Tom and Michael punch the air and start to sing in harmony ” Here comes the Rain Man, here comes the Rain Maaaaaaan”. ( I still don’t know if that really happened, or my imagination had begun to run excessively wild at that point).
Rain Man rocks up, gets out of the van and looks surprisingly like a camp Mexican WWE wrestler with a handlebar moustache, nothing like Dustin Hoffman, which is a little disappointing as I had already retrieved a pack of playing cards from the living room.
Michael and Tom tell me that the device Rain Man has is a R.E.I.N. device that detects for devices (KGB fridges) which effect broadband speeds, hence the nickname. Rain Man, who has by now put on a big sombrero and starts wondering around the front garden with his device with a big aerial on it, one step at a time as if he’s on a treasure hunt waiting to hear a beep, slowly taking his time, and at one point, he looked up just as a seagull flew past, and he started very slowly to raise the R.E.I.N. device towards the seagull, to which I thought, “un-fucking-believable” but he then diverted his hand to itch his nose, to my obvious sigh of relief.
He spends the next 15 minutes on his treasure hunt but finds nothing. The BT engineers discuss the pole in the caravan park and other objects which could affect my side of the estates broadband. I listen with incredulous delight to what I am hearing. I wonder if these guys have had a visit from the gestapo this morning and then sat around the office making up shit in an attempt to divert my attention to the obvious fact that I am under electronic surveillance and my computer is being cloned.
Maybe my previous blog on electronic surveillance where I suggest that BT engineers are involved with the Gestapo in wire tapping everyone is reason enough for an elaborate attempt by BT Open Reach to involve 3 engineers to hoodwink me into believing anything but electronic surveillance as the reason for months and years of slow broadband speeds. Who knows, but it has been a very interesting morning, so far.
As Rain Man is unable to locate a KGB fridge in my street, Michael Ball and Tom Cruise make there way to their vans. Michael, with the extra weight is struggling to pull himself up and get into his van, so Tom shuffles over to help him by putting his hands on Michael’s arse and pushing as hard as he can to heave him up, but as he is doing so, his left foot slips on some gravel and he face plants Michael’s arse and his nose lands right in Michael Ball’s ass crack, whose trousers had slipped down his fat arse with the effort of getting into his van.
At this point, I thought I was on LSD.
I looked at Rain Man, and he is looking at me, as well as looking at Tom and Michael and the unfolding situation, both of us with our mouths agape. The most amazing thing is, Tom Cruise just carried on pushing and pushing. I dont know for certainty, if this actually happened, but when Michael eventually got into his van and Tom’s nose had dislodged itself from Michael’s ass crack, I could have swore I heard a pop, the sound you hear when you remove a plunger from the sink or the shower when it’s been blocked.
Tom Cruise then tries his best to compose himself. You can see the internal cogs moving as its sinking in what has just happened and he’s wondering if anybody noticed. He then turns square on to face us, trying to act completely normal as if what has just happened is an everyday occurrence, but he fails to realise that he has one of Michael Ball’s ass pubes on his nose. He walks over to his van doing a little dance trying to look super cool with his mirrored aviators, but being anything butt.
Rain Man, by now his chin only a few inches off the floor wanders over to his van and gets in. The 3 amigo’s start to drive off with Rain Man holding his device out of the window, he shouts in a Mexican accent, “hey gringo, I drive round the estate, and I vill locate that fridge, (or words to that effect) and we 3 amigos’s will be back later”.
I haven’t seen them since…….
Two Decades Under Surveillance by a Retarded Police State will be published by Penguin books in October 2018 priced £8.99.
“Although the modems themselves are manufactured by hardware companies like Huawei and ECI, BT is resposible for the ‘firmware’ that controls the devices. According to the report: “This clearly demonstrates that the UK Government, US Government, US Military and BT are co-operating together to secretly wiretap all Internet users in their own homes.”
A video has emerged which purportedly shows Tom Cruise back at Rhyl Telecoms Exchange after he has washed the skid mark off his nose, looking cool, calm and collected, doing a jiggy dance 😉
Dozens of Witnesses Walk out of Public Inquiry into Undercover Policing https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2018/mar/21/campaigners-stage-walkout-of-secretive-police-spying-inquiry